Some Things You Just Don't Do................

We're in a string of typical autumn weather. Usually, I enjoy days like this but not now. I've got something coming up that I'm not looking forward to and it's affecting my mood. I know it's nothing serious, but I can't help obsessing over it. This morning I was up and out early, trying to keep myself occupied - trying to not think about things.

I drove around through some of the side streets in Woodbridge. I was going to stop by the Main Library, but it wouldn't be open for another half hour. As I stopped at a light on Freeman Street I saw this woman walking towards me.

I looked around and saw that there was no one else around. The light was still red as she came up to the side of my car...and passed by.

It was Kitty.

Well, I think of her as Kitty. I think of her as Kitty because for the first year or so that I'd seen her walking to work she'd been wearing a Hello Kitty hat and carrying a similarly themed backpack.

She walks down St. George's Avenue from her apartment somewhere around the library. She walks all the way down to Main Street, then along there to Woodbridge Center Drive and ultimately to the Mall. I saw her there, once, working in one of the fast food restaurants. She was cleaning the tables, and was pleasant and friendly and seemed happy with her job.

I've never spoken to her. I don't know her. But she's familiar to me. So I put the Flasher back in my pocket.

There are some things that you just don't do.

About an hour later I was driving along Route 27, heading in the direction of the Edison/Metuchen border. This is just a one lane road, but at certain cross streets there's a left turn lane. This is true for Parsonage Road. I was stopped at the light when a silver sedan pulled into the left-turn lane. When we got the green I started forward and the sedan - instead of turning left - sped forward and cut me off.

There are some things you just don't do.

I followed behind him for a while and he turned into the Metuchen Municipal building parking lot. He stopped along the driveway. I drove around the corner, parked, and approached the lot from the back. I had no specific plan in mind. Maybe just to Flash the car so it wouldn't start.

Through the bushes surrounding the lot, I could see the sedan and the driver was standing next to it.

He appeared to be checking his messages, or texting. Either way, he was alone.

Point, press, Flash.

I turned around, and strolled back to my car. It was pretty quiet here, and bright enough that I was pretty sure that the Flash hadn't attracted any attention.

I drove on towards the Edison Main Library.

When I came out, Doyle was standing by my car.

"Hey, Doyle, fancy meeting you here?"
"Hiya, Denny, how're ya doin'?" We shook hands.
"Ah, you know, same old. What brings you out today? something to do with Gordon?"
"No..ah..actually it's not business." He looked a little embarrassed. "I was..wondering..how you're doing..what with that biopsy tomorrow and all."

Now I was embarrassed.

"I'm OK, Doyle. It's..you know..something I gotta take care of."
"Sure, sure, Denny..I know..it's just..did you consider anything else?"
"Doyle, it's not a big deal. He does it in his office."
"Yeah, but...couldn't you have waited a little longer?"
"Probably. But my PSA was high 2 months in a row. I could put it off another month but, with the immunosuppressants I'm on, I don't think the risk is worth it."

He didn't say anything.

"Doyle, look, I appreciate you're asking, you know? I'm really not worried about the outcome. If it's..you know..not so good, well, it's early on and can be treated. It's just..the biopsy itself, the process, that I'm not too thrilled about."

Neither of us said anything, for a minute or two. And we didn't look at each other either. Just 2 guys trying to talk about something that both of us were uncomfortable with.

"OK, well, I gotta go Denny. I just wanted to..um..wish you good luck."
He stuck out his hand. We shook. He walked away.

Guys don't talk about stuff like this.

It's something they just don't do.

Pet Peeves...................

I've been in a bad mood for the last couple of days.

Monday, I had the follow-up meeting with the urologist and found out that my PSA level is still high. Rather then wait for another month to retest, I opted to go for the biopsy. I did some research about it online, and I'm not looking forward to it. I was hoping to get it done quickly but, of course, it can't be done until next Wednesday and the results won't be back for about 10 days after that. I'll still have to wait for the results. I hate the waiting.

Tuesday I met with the cardiologist who will do the Left Heart Catherization. I've had this done before and I'm not looking forward to it either. He ran a few tests, and we agreed to do the procedure at Robert Wood Johnson since that's where my regular cardiologist is. Of course, he only goes there on Wednesdays and I already have the biopsy scheduled for next Wednesday. I have to wait for this until the 31st. Waiting again. Damn, I hate to wait.

It's a pet peeve of mine. Unfortunately, it's one I can't do anything about.

I haven't slept well the last few nights. I can't stop thinking about the 2 procedures. And last night around 1:30, some clown leaving the bar across the street decided to rev his motorcycle for about 10 minutes before he left. That added to my aggravation. I hate motorcycles.

This morning, the sun was out and the day felt warmer. I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. I felt good. I went out early just to drive around and see what would happen. I stopped for breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts and drove down through Colonia. It was peaceful there.

Fairly quickly, I came up behind this guy out jogging. He was in the middle of the street. He must've heard me behind him because he waved me around him.

I hate that. He should be on the side of the road, not in the middle. I slowed, and stayed behind him until he moved over.

I did not pass him right away. I made sure there was no one else around first.

Point, press, Flash.

I passed him, and drove into South Plainfield. From there, I turned down towards Metuchen. Ahead of me, on one of the back streets, I saw a bike rider tear out of a side street into the middle of the road.

I hate that. These people act like they own the road.

I slowed and stayed behind him. After a few minutes, he pulled to the side.

There are no sidewalks here, and very little traffic. I passed him, slowly.

Point, press, Flash.

I drove through Metuchen and up into Edison. I drove up Main Street and turned left onto Woodbridge Avenue. I wound up behind some guy on a motorcycle.

I had an idea.

I followed along behind him. He turned into Raritan Center. So did I. He pulled into one of the lots surrounding several small business. I slowed even more, and watched as he stopped behind one of the buildings. I parked off to the side and waited. He was emptying the storage area under his seat.

I got out and approached him from behind. There were no other cars parked back here. No one else was around.

He never even looked up.

Point, press, Flash.

I walked slowly back to my car. I know I had taken a real chance but it was something I had to do.

I hate motorcycles.

There are some pet peeved that you can deal with.

Days Like This.............

I've noticed that things seem to happen in streaks, at least for me. After I was diagnosed with a carpal tunnel problem, it took me some time to get back to staging Events. Late last month, I managed to pull off two but, since then, I haven't found an opportunity. What has happened is a string of what I can only say are days that have had something....strange....happen.
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This past Saturday morning, I went to a funeral. I knew the woman slightly - she was someone my daughter knew from a volunteer group that they both belonged to - but I knew she'd been fighting some illness for a long time and I'd admired how she'd handled it.

It was moving, as funerals usually are, but what stood out was the eulogy. There were pews full of family and friends, but the guy who gave the eulogy admitted that he didn't really know her - that he was really a friend of her brother. He seemed to feel that he was competent to perform this function because he'd spoken to people at the wake about the deceased and recorded their comments. He seemed proud to be able to read them back to us from an electronic notebook (loosing his place several times). I don't know. It just seemed strange to me. If people have things to say about me when I go - good or bad - let them get up there and say them. I think I'd appreciate the personal touch.
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Sunday, after mass and breakfast, I drove around the back streets in Avenel and Colonia. I was killing time. There's a thrift shop in South Plainfield that was having a sale but they weren't going to be open until 11. Turning down one of the side streets, I could see a guy up ahead changing a tire.

There was no one else around, so I pulled to the curb. Watching him, I removed the splint and lowered my window. He never turned around, just concentrated on the tire. I started up again, slowly and drove past.

Point, press, Flash.

I moved on and got to the thrift store just before they opened. I got a couple of shirts and some decorative stuff for the apartment for about $14. One thing was really strange.

I'm not sure what it is, but the label on the foot says it's a Ganz. It's probably supposed to hold something but, for now, it'll be a bookend.

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Monday was a holiday so the libraries were closed. I did some food shopping but nothing else presented itself so I got home early. That afternoon, I got a call from my cardiologist's office. My 4th anniversary is coming up and they want me to have a test called a Left Heart Cathorization, which I've been through before. However, the new guy there doesn't do this procedure so I'd have to pick another cardiologist. Seemed strange to me.

They had a few names they could recomend and we agreed on the cardiologist who was the one on duty at JFK Medical Center in July of 2008 who first diagnosed my problem. This made the situation even stranger.
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On Tuesday, I was out earlier then usual. I had an appointment for blood work and I was using a local lab rather then the clinic lab at Robert Wood Johnson where I go for my heart work. This test was to check my PSA level. It was pretty high last month but the doctor and I agreed to do another check before going the biopsy route.

From there, I drove to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast then decided to check out the Metuchen Library. Some of the back streets in that area end at cross streets. At one of these, I noticed a guy waiting for a bus.

I turned right. There was a professional building just ahead - lawyers, I think - and I pulled into their lot, drove around the back, took off the splint and got ready. When I pulled back out, I turned left. The only other person around was the guy at the bus stop. I approached slowly. He stood there, looking down the block past me.

Point, press, Flash.

I continued on to Metuchen.

On my way there, I got another call from my cardiologist's. There's a couple of other tests that they'd like to have me take (an echocardiogram and a chest x-ray). We agreed to do them on Tuesday, November 6th. Why they didn't bring this up on Monday when we discussed the other test yesterday is beyond me. Strange.
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It was raining this morning and chilly, so I took my time leaving. The day brightened up as it went on, and I stopped at some of the Woodbridge libraries. I'm reading this book that I find interesting and I thought I'd check to see if I could find something else by the author. No such luck. I drove home.

As I parked on my side street I looked across at my living room windows. It's a habit I've gotten into over the years. I look to see if my cat is there. She wasn't, but I noticed that the windows were open slightly.

I knew I hadn't left them that way. It had been too cold last night, and damp this morning.

Someone had been in there...Or still was.

I went into the building, using my key on the vestibule door, and tested the door knob to my apartment. The door was locked. I used my key, took a couple of deep breaths, and went in. The door opens into a hallway that leads to the living room (with the kitchen halfway down and to the left). I went down the hall.

There was Gordon sitting on the love seat in front of the windows.

"I was going to wave from the window, but I didn't want to attract any one else." He didn't get up.
"You scared the crap out of me...........what are you doing here?"

I sat down in my chair, trying to calm down.

"I'm sorry, Denny." He pushed himself forward a little, but still didn't rise. "I've gotten some strange readings on your whereabouts lately, and - frankly - I was worried."
"What?....Strange readings?....What are you talking about?"
"You know that I follow you in the same way that the DHS does, right? Well, I've placed you lately in some locations that I didn't recognize. I checked them out and found them to be medical facilities. You can, I trust, excuse me if I was concerned."

I hadn't thought about that.

"OK. Look. I had a problem with my wrist so I went to my primary. From there, it kinda escalated." I filled him in on what had been happening. He sat there listening, then nodded.

"I seem to have jumped to some unfounded conclusions." He grinned, but there was something underneath it. He moved forward again. "I'm glad to see that you're doing well, Denny."
"How are you doing, Gordon?" I had to ask.
He grinned again, and finally stood up. He shook his head.
"What's the expression?.......Don't let the bastards get you down?.....I'm trying, Denny, I'm trying."
"Look..I don't mean to be crass but you have to need the same meds that I do....you have to know that they're watching those. Are you getting them? ...."

He looked at me but didn't answer. He looked tired. He looked - literally - blue.
"I have to be going now." He turned towards the door. "Look out for yourself, Denny."
"Gordon........is there anything I can get you..anything I can do?"
"Thank you. Not for now. But you may be recieving a package within the next couple of weeks. I hope that you make the right decision with the contents."

He closed the door behind him.

I closed the windows, and stared out them for a long time. It crossed my mind that yesterday would have been John Lennon's 72nd birthday. And I realized that his last song fit this situation.

"Nobody told me there'd be days like this."

Where There's a Will...........

it rained this morning but I went out anyway. The day may be starting a bit dreary but I wasn't. My wrist was feeling better, though I was still wearing the splint. My blood work from Tuesday turned out to be on target so there was no need to alter any dosages. Best of all, I have no doctor's appointments for about a week and a half. I was feeling good, so I headed up towards the main library.

I don't have a printer at home (which I may have mentioned before) so I went to the library to print out my monthly checking account statement. I know I don't really need to do this since I can balance my account online, but I'm old-school that way (or anal retentive, whichever). I also picked up a couple of books from the sales table. I was headed up to the Pathmark in Avenel when my phone went off.

I pulled over to answer it, but it was only a prerecorded message from my pharmacy letting me know that a couple of prescriptions of mine were ready. As I sat there in my car I saw this guy walking up the block towards me.

I had the time.

I took off the splint and lowered the passenger side window. There was no one else around. He kept coming. I didn't think he even noticed me.

Point, press, Flash.

I put the splint back on, started the car, and continued on towards Pathmark.

The rain was letting up, but the parking lot seemed unusually empty. I drove around a bit first. I was buzzing from what just happened and I think, subconsciously, I was looking to stage another Event. It didn't take long.

this guy was out in the lot, emptying the garbage barrels.

I drove around behind him and stopped. I took off the splint again.This time, I lowered the driver's side window. I started up and came up so he'd be on my side, and slowed. He was wearing headphones so he never heard me coming.

Point, press, Flash.

I drove to the other side of the lot and parked. I put the splint back on and went into Pathmark. I had some stuff I needed to get.

On the way home I thought about what had happened. I'd told Doyle the other day that I wasn't sure I could do this. Looks like I was wrong.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Ordinary Time..................

Today is Sunday. I've mentioned before that I go to church on Sundays. Well, as often as I can. I find the rituals comforting... familiar. By following along, I can forget about what's really on my mind, at least for that short amount of time. Of course, it all comes back when I walk out through the doors but, sometimes, I get a new perspective on things. Not today.

Doyle was waiting by my car.

"Denny, how's it going?" He stuck out his hand and I shook it.
"Hey, Doyle. What brings you here today? Something new with Gordon?"
"Well, yeah, but that's not the whole reason. He's been staging Events almost every other day for about the last week and a half or so. Pretty much since you stopped, actually. But I'm really here to check up on you."
"Come on, Doyle..you're tracking me all the time. You know what's going on."
"We know where you've been and who you've seen. We even know what the doctors have said and what they've prescribed. What we don't know is how you're doing. you know, mentally. How're you handling all this?"
I looked at him for a bit, then down on the Carpal Tunnel Splint on my left wrist.

"It's still bothering me, but not as bad as before. I've got a prescription for steroids to reduce the inflammation, but I haven't taken any yet. I got some anti-biotics for a throat problem at the same time so the doc said to hold off on the steroids. I went back Thursday, and since it's better we'll hold off for 2 more weeks. One week, wearing the splint all day, the second with it on only in the afternoon. After that, I'll call her with my status and we'll go from there."

It was his turn to pause, nodding his head as he thought about it.

"I have to ask..is it bothering you enough to prevent you from staging any Events? I mean..the idea was for you to draw Gordon out but, like I said, once you stopped he started. It's like he wants you to be the active one....I don't know...I'm just askin'..you know?" He seemed uncomfortable.
"I know. I mean, I know what you're saying.......I tried. A couple of times. I can't control the Flasher with my left hand because of the splint.  From the car, I've been able to isolate potential Events on my right - the passenger side, you know - and can handle the Flasher with my right, but I'm having trouble controlling the car with my left. I'm just not sure, under the circumstances, that I'd be successful. And because of the splint, I feel that I'm more conspicuous on foot. So..I don't know what to tell you, Doyle. I'll try during the week, but I don't know that I'll get anywhere until I can take this off."

We both took some time to think about things. He nodded first, then grinned.

"OK. Don't worry about it, Denny. We'll wait for you to be comfortable with things again."
"Thanks, Doyle. 'I'll be back.'" I did my best Governator, and grinned back.
He laughed.
"Say, how did you make out with the other doctors?"
"well, I'm not happy with the dermatologist. He doesn't explain himself, just cuts things out and sends them for tests. I had to pester him for an answer. I don't think I'll be going back. The urologist was a nice guy..older. I had the prostate exam, which I wasn't looking forward to, and he said things were OK so we're gonna wait a couple of weeks and retake the PSA test. We'll see after that."
"You know, sometimes, I get so involved in what's going on..in the operation itself...that I forget that you're really just a civilian in all this."
"It;s OK, Doyle. Maybe I didn't know what I was getting into at first, and maybe it's spiralled way out of proportion to what it was supposed to be, but I'm in now. For better or worse."

It was my turn to grin first. He grinned back.

"OK, Denny. You take care of yourself....I mean that. I'll be in touch."

We shook hands, and he left.

I got in my car and drove off. I had breakfast again at Denny's and thought about what to do going forward. Maybe I'll signal Gordon and try to talk to him about what he's doing.

I bought some stuff to eat during the week, picked up the papers, and headed back home.

Nothing had really changed and yet I felt better about things. I felt that things were back to normal, at least as normal as they've been recently.

Back to ordinary time.

Add Another One to the List................

I've had to slow down recently, and may have to make other changes going forward. I'll explain about these later. I have staged a few Events since August 26th so let me bring things up to date.
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Tuesday, August 28th. It was early morning, as usual, and I was driving along Main Street in Woodbridge heading towards Wegman's. As I passed the Route 9 overpass, I noticed this guy walking up ahead.

I slowed, looking around. No one. The windows were already down. I caught up to him as he reached the overgrowth surrounding the stream.

Point, press, Flash.

He toppled over the low railing as I moved by.
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Thursday, August 30th. I drove around the back streets in Avenel. Two blocks in from Avenel Street, I came up behind this guy.

I followed him down the street and watched as he crossed in font of me. He never turned around. I waited until he reached the shrubbery.

Point, press, Flash.

I continued down the street, made a few turns, and stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast.
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Friday, August 31st. I had driven up to Rahway with the intention of stopping at the library. I was way too early, but I had picked up the paper and was going to read it while I waited. Then I saw this guy.

I turned right and followed him. When he got beside the trees, I closed in.

Point, press, Flash.

I skipped the library and headed back to Woodbridge.
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Wednesday, September 5th. I was driving around in the Edison/Metuchen area when I passed this guy.

It looked like he was spying on someone. I admit, curiosity got the better of me and I made a series of rights hoping he'd still be there. He was. I rolled up behind him slowly. He didn't move.

Point, press, Flash.

He fell behind the tree as I continued on my way.
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That was a week ago. As I said, I've slowed down and will probably be making some changes. You see, over the Labor Day Weekend I realized that I was experiencing pain in my left wrist (I'm left-handed). I bought a small bandage-like thing to wrap around it, hoping that would help. It didn't. I made an appointment with my primary physician.

I saw her Saturday morning. After some manipulation of the joint, she determined that the carpal tunnel was involved. She recommended a splint (which I got) and some over-the-counter meds for the inflammation (which my cardiologist said not to take). We're waiting until Friday to see if there's any improvement before changing the treatment.

Monday, I went to my dermatologist. I had a small growth on my forehead and, since I'm susceptible to certain cancers due to the immuno-suppressants I take, I wanted his opinion. He did the same thing he did the last time - cut it out and sent it for tests. He told me what it was and that it's probably benign but he cut it out anyway. I'm gonna have to cut him out.

Tuesday, I had my regularly scheduled blood work. I prefer going down to the cardiologist's office for these because I get the results back the same day. I got them around 5:30. Since I'm coming up on 4 years without a problem, they decided to lower my prograf dose slightly which is OK by me. The lower the dose the lower the risk of damaging other organs.

Then there was the bad news.

My PSA was 8. (I looked this up and it stands for Prostate Specific Antigen). They consider 4 to be normal and she called 8 "slightly elevated". I know that there is some controversy about these numbers but, even so, they said I should see a urologist. Now, due to my reduced immune system, I have to consider the possibility of prostate cancer.

I got a name and made an appointment for this coming Monday.

I was hoping to reduce the number of doctors I go to.

Now I have to add another one to the list.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place..............

It's been a slow week. Well......that's not entirely true. I've been slow about getting on with things. I have some excuses. Family matters, the weather, other things I work on. But the bottom line is that these are just excuses. The real reason is where I find myself now, in relation to Doyle and Gordon.

This past Tuesday morning, I drove up into Iselin. It's a small community that's wedged in between Woodbridge proper, Colonia, and Edison. I pass through it a lot, and I have to admit that I'm not really sure where Colonia stops off and Iselin begins. I may even have staged a few Events here before. They do have a branch library and a used book store that I drop by from time to time.

They also have a Catholic school - St. Cecelia's - which was closed after the last school year. They have a very strong sports program which the community intends to continue, but attendance has dropped off drasticall, as is the case in so many other parochial schools. Now the building sits vacant, looming over the intersection of Green Street, Route 27, and Oak Tree Road in an area known locally as Little India.

I drove around the back. That's where I came up behind this guy.

It was quiet back here. I imagine that was why he walked here. It was what I was hoping for when I came this way. There was no one else around.

Point, press, Flash.

I drove up into Edison.
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This morning, I was up earlier then usual. I've mentioned before that my routine is different on Sundays, but the mass I attend wouldn't start until 8 and it was only 6:30. I took a leisurely drive through Sewaren, a section of Woodbridge that runs along the Raritan Bay. At this time of the morning, everyone who's up is out on the bay fishing. Well, almost everyone. I saw this guy just before I turned off Woodbridge Avenue. He wasn't carrying any fishing gear so I guessed he was just out for a walk.

I slowed, and reached him just as he came up beside a row of hedges. He never looked my way. No one else did either.

Point, press, Flash.

I headed for Avenel. I stopped to get the papers, then headed for St. Andrew's and the morning mass.

I had breakfast at Denny's, again. I've developed a taste for their Southwestern Skillet. A bit on the spicy side, but really good.

I stopped at Wegman's, bought some things for lunch and supper, then headed home.

Now I'm sitting here trying - again - to work things out in my head.

Gordon came to me and attempted to explain himself. He's crazy, but he's smart too. And he blames Jones for the predicament he's in. I can understand his point. Jones' people tried to take me out last year (they blamed me for killing Givings when it was clearly an honest mistake). Jones and Smith came to an understanding of sorts, eventually. But I hadn't forgotten. I owed Jones for that.

And yet, Doyle has been there for me since Day 1. Sure, he recruited me (or set me up) but I believe that he's always been on my side, and has backed me up all along the line. I owe Doyle for that.

I should help Doyle get Gordon. I could do it. But Doyle had said that the Project would probably get shut down. What would happen to me? I trusted Doyle, but not Jones.

I still can't work it out. No matter how I look at it I'm stuck....

between a rock and a hard place.