A Long, Strange Trip...........

I'm in the middle of my annual testing cycle. And it's different this year. Mainly because there's a different guy in charge of the Heart Transplant team down in New Brunswick so I've had to schedule some tests myself.

 It's kinda strange.

Plus, Jersey is still getting back to normal, at least where I live. It's gonna take some time for the Shore to come back.

I took the bus down to New Brunswick Tuesday to have some blood work done and get a chest x-ray. It was a dreary, rainy day. And the bus, of course, was late. Both ways.

Everything was there, but everything felt gray.

Today.....however......was different.

For one thing..the sun was out. There's a lot to be said for that. For walking outside and just feeling good.

I had some errands to run. I did the wash. I did some food shopping.

I stopped at a Dunkin' Donuts for some coffee. I had parked in the back lot  and when I got back to my car, I waited a bit, letting the coffee cool. A woman pull in. She got out and lit a cigarette.

We were the only ones around.

I started the car, lowered the driver's side window, pulled out of my spot, and then..

Point, press, Flash.

I made a left turn, then two rights, and drove on towards Edison.

I stopped at the library in Metuchen. I sat in the car for a few minutes, and decided not to go in. I drove away.

I had no real direction to follow, but I didn't want to go home just yet. There are a lot of business complexes in the area and I drove through a few. That's where I saw this guy.

It didn't take long to close the distance between us. I lowered the passenger side window.

Point, press, Flash.

I left that lot and headed for the next.

That's when my phone rang.

It was Doyle.

He wanted to meet. And said he'd be at the parking lot in Merrill Park in about 15 minutes.

 I drove straight there.

He was there first, leaning against the side of his SUV.

"Hey, Denny. How's it goin'?
We shook hands.
"I'm good, Doyle...So..What's this about?"

He stood up and stretched.

"I gotta apologize, Denny. We've had the election, then the hurricane, and then the threats to deal with but I didn't want you to think that I forgot.".
"Forgot what?"
"Your transplant. It' coming up on 4 years now, right?"
I had to smile. "Yeah. 4 years. I've had some tests done, and some more scheduled. In fact, I was just at the hospital Tuesday."
"I know. I wanted to stop by then but I just couldn't get away. We're stretched a little thin right now."

 We both just stood there for a moment or two, lost in our own thoughts. Finally, I asked, "So..what's happening with Gordon?"
"We don't know. There's been no activity that we can attribute to him. But the storms have caused us a lot of problems."
"How so?"
"Well, the power outages here in New Jersey have hit us as well. Our tracking system has gone off-line a few times so we can't be certain that he hasn't been out there. We've even lost your signal a couple of times, but we still had your backup in place."
"That's good to know, I guess."
"Yeah. Still. Things are back up and normal again. Let's hope we don't get hit like that again."

 He paused..took his car keys out of hip pockets -then looked at me.
"You know, Denny, things haven't turned out the way we thought they would when we first approached you. But, all in all, I think we've come through things well. What do you think?"
I thought about it for a minute or two.

"What's that line, Doyle, from the Grateful Dead? "What a long, strange trip it's been"? That pretty much sums it up, I think."

He laughed, slapped me on the back, and left.

I drove home.

A Matter of Degrees...........

So much has happened in the last few days that it's hard to take it all in. Most of it has affected a great deal of people, and the rest has been personal. I've been keeping to myself but yesterday I decided to go outside to face things.

Last Wednesday, I had a Prostate Biopsy.

 My PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) has been high for the last two months and the potential was there that I might have prostate cancer. That potential was higher in my case due to the immuno-suppressants that I take. Instead of repeating the test, I had the biopsy done.

I know it was the right thing to do, but it was not a pleasant experience.

My daughter was to pick me up afterwards, and we'd have dinner. Instead, I had her drive me home and I went straight to bed.

It took me a few days to get over the discomfort. When I finally started to feel better it dawned on me that I'd have to wait for another week for the results.
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I grew up in The Bronx, but I've spent the important years of my life in New Jersey.

It's here that I had the American Dream - the house with a white picket fence.

It's here that I had my daughter.

OK, so I don't have that house anymore, but I am still involved with my daughter. This is my home.

Yes, this is my home, and Hurricane Sandy just hit us big time.

I've been watching the news. She decimated the Jersey Shore.

Now I have to admit that I'm not much of a beach guy, but I've been down to the Shore a couple of times and there are landmarks that I'd recognize. That is, I'd recognize if they still existed.

It's tough to accept.

But I live in Woodbridge. We're inland. And not as far south as The Shore. Sadly, we do have a waterfront - Sewaren. And we did have flooding. And we did have really heavy winds.

 We lost power about 8 o'clock Monday night but my area had it back by 5 o'clock Tuesday morning. I had my cable and internet back by about 3 o'clock Tuesday afternoon. My only problem was that I couldn't communicate immediately through my cell phone. Calls AND texts weren't going through.

Yesterday, I went out and drove around a bit. In my neighborhood, some trees were down, traffic lights were out, and some stores were closed. There were lines at gas stations and, surprisingly to me, Dunkin' Donuts. But I could get around.

I've been lucky.
___________________________________________________________________________________

Today, I had the follow-up with the urologist for the biopsy results. I tried not to, but I did Google the whole process and I wasn't feeling confident. My daughter, God love her, volunteered to take me even though there wasn't a need.

I was worried that they wouldn't be there..that they had no power...that I would have to wait longer for an answer.

I didn't.

Long story short, the results were negative.

NEGATIVE.

YES.

My daughter and I then spent about 45 minutes trying to find a place to have breakfast.

I'm good, but New Jersey needs help.

It's all a matter of degrees.

Some Things You Just Don't Do................

We're in a string of typical autumn weather. Usually, I enjoy days like this but not now. I've got something coming up that I'm not looking forward to and it's affecting my mood. I know it's nothing serious, but I can't help obsessing over it. This morning I was up and out early, trying to keep myself occupied - trying to not think about things.

I drove around through some of the side streets in Woodbridge. I was going to stop by the Main Library, but it wouldn't be open for another half hour. As I stopped at a light on Freeman Street I saw this woman walking towards me.

I looked around and saw that there was no one else around. The light was still red as she came up to the side of my car...and passed by.

It was Kitty.

Well, I think of her as Kitty. I think of her as Kitty because for the first year or so that I'd seen her walking to work she'd been wearing a Hello Kitty hat and carrying a similarly themed backpack.

She walks down St. George's Avenue from her apartment somewhere around the library. She walks all the way down to Main Street, then along there to Woodbridge Center Drive and ultimately to the Mall. I saw her there, once, working in one of the fast food restaurants. She was cleaning the tables, and was pleasant and friendly and seemed happy with her job.

I've never spoken to her. I don't know her. But she's familiar to me. So I put the Flasher back in my pocket.

There are some things that you just don't do.

About an hour later I was driving along Route 27, heading in the direction of the Edison/Metuchen border. This is just a one lane road, but at certain cross streets there's a left turn lane. This is true for Parsonage Road. I was stopped at the light when a silver sedan pulled into the left-turn lane. When we got the green I started forward and the sedan - instead of turning left - sped forward and cut me off.

There are some things you just don't do.

I followed behind him for a while and he turned into the Metuchen Municipal building parking lot. He stopped along the driveway. I drove around the corner, parked, and approached the lot from the back. I had no specific plan in mind. Maybe just to Flash the car so it wouldn't start.

Through the bushes surrounding the lot, I could see the sedan and the driver was standing next to it.

He appeared to be checking his messages, or texting. Either way, he was alone.

Point, press, Flash.

I turned around, and strolled back to my car. It was pretty quiet here, and bright enough that I was pretty sure that the Flash hadn't attracted any attention.

I drove on towards the Edison Main Library.

When I came out, Doyle was standing by my car.

"Hey, Doyle, fancy meeting you here?"
"Hiya, Denny, how're ya doin'?" We shook hands.
"Ah, you know, same old. What brings you out today? something to do with Gordon?"
"No..ah..actually it's not business." He looked a little embarrassed. "I was..wondering..how you're doing..what with that biopsy tomorrow and all."

Now I was embarrassed.

"I'm OK, Doyle. It's..you know..something I gotta take care of."
"Sure, sure, Denny..I know..it's just..did you consider anything else?"
"Doyle, it's not a big deal. He does it in his office."
"Yeah, but...couldn't you have waited a little longer?"
"Probably. But my PSA was high 2 months in a row. I could put it off another month but, with the immunosuppressants I'm on, I don't think the risk is worth it."

He didn't say anything.

"Doyle, look, I appreciate you're asking, you know? I'm really not worried about the outcome. If it's..you know..not so good, well, it's early on and can be treated. It's just..the biopsy itself, the process, that I'm not too thrilled about."

Neither of us said anything, for a minute or two. And we didn't look at each other either. Just 2 guys trying to talk about something that both of us were uncomfortable with.

"OK, well, I gotta go Denny. I just wanted to..um..wish you good luck."
He stuck out his hand. We shook. He walked away.

Guys don't talk about stuff like this.

It's something they just don't do.

Pet Peeves...................

I've been in a bad mood for the last couple of days.

Monday, I had the follow-up meeting with the urologist and found out that my PSA level is still high. Rather then wait for another month to retest, I opted to go for the biopsy. I did some research about it online, and I'm not looking forward to it. I was hoping to get it done quickly but, of course, it can't be done until next Wednesday and the results won't be back for about 10 days after that. I'll still have to wait for the results. I hate the waiting.

Tuesday I met with the cardiologist who will do the Left Heart Catherization. I've had this done before and I'm not looking forward to it either. He ran a few tests, and we agreed to do the procedure at Robert Wood Johnson since that's where my regular cardiologist is. Of course, he only goes there on Wednesdays and I already have the biopsy scheduled for next Wednesday. I have to wait for this until the 31st. Waiting again. Damn, I hate to wait.

It's a pet peeve of mine. Unfortunately, it's one I can't do anything about.

I haven't slept well the last few nights. I can't stop thinking about the 2 procedures. And last night around 1:30, some clown leaving the bar across the street decided to rev his motorcycle for about 10 minutes before he left. That added to my aggravation. I hate motorcycles.

This morning, the sun was out and the day felt warmer. I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. I felt good. I went out early just to drive around and see what would happen. I stopped for breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts and drove down through Colonia. It was peaceful there.

Fairly quickly, I came up behind this guy out jogging. He was in the middle of the street. He must've heard me behind him because he waved me around him.

I hate that. He should be on the side of the road, not in the middle. I slowed, and stayed behind him until he moved over.

I did not pass him right away. I made sure there was no one else around first.

Point, press, Flash.

I passed him, and drove into South Plainfield. From there, I turned down towards Metuchen. Ahead of me, on one of the back streets, I saw a bike rider tear out of a side street into the middle of the road.

I hate that. These people act like they own the road.

I slowed and stayed behind him. After a few minutes, he pulled to the side.

There are no sidewalks here, and very little traffic. I passed him, slowly.

Point, press, Flash.

I drove through Metuchen and up into Edison. I drove up Main Street and turned left onto Woodbridge Avenue. I wound up behind some guy on a motorcycle.

I had an idea.

I followed along behind him. He turned into Raritan Center. So did I. He pulled into one of the lots surrounding several small business. I slowed even more, and watched as he stopped behind one of the buildings. I parked off to the side and waited. He was emptying the storage area under his seat.

I got out and approached him from behind. There were no other cars parked back here. No one else was around.

He never even looked up.

Point, press, Flash.

I walked slowly back to my car. I know I had taken a real chance but it was something I had to do.

I hate motorcycles.

There are some pet peeved that you can deal with.

Days Like This.............

I've noticed that things seem to happen in streaks, at least for me. After I was diagnosed with a carpal tunnel problem, it took me some time to get back to staging Events. Late last month, I managed to pull off two but, since then, I haven't found an opportunity. What has happened is a string of what I can only say are days that have had something....strange....happen.
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This past Saturday morning, I went to a funeral. I knew the woman slightly - she was someone my daughter knew from a volunteer group that they both belonged to - but I knew she'd been fighting some illness for a long time and I'd admired how she'd handled it.

It was moving, as funerals usually are, but what stood out was the eulogy. There were pews full of family and friends, but the guy who gave the eulogy admitted that he didn't really know her - that he was really a friend of her brother. He seemed to feel that he was competent to perform this function because he'd spoken to people at the wake about the deceased and recorded their comments. He seemed proud to be able to read them back to us from an electronic notebook (loosing his place several times). I don't know. It just seemed strange to me. If people have things to say about me when I go - good or bad - let them get up there and say them. I think I'd appreciate the personal touch.
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Sunday, after mass and breakfast, I drove around the back streets in Avenel and Colonia. I was killing time. There's a thrift shop in South Plainfield that was having a sale but they weren't going to be open until 11. Turning down one of the side streets, I could see a guy up ahead changing a tire.

There was no one else around, so I pulled to the curb. Watching him, I removed the splint and lowered my window. He never turned around, just concentrated on the tire. I started up again, slowly and drove past.

Point, press, Flash.

I moved on and got to the thrift store just before they opened. I got a couple of shirts and some decorative stuff for the apartment for about $14. One thing was really strange.

I'm not sure what it is, but the label on the foot says it's a Ganz. It's probably supposed to hold something but, for now, it'll be a bookend.

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Monday was a holiday so the libraries were closed. I did some food shopping but nothing else presented itself so I got home early. That afternoon, I got a call from my cardiologist's office. My 4th anniversary is coming up and they want me to have a test called a Left Heart Cathorization, which I've been through before. However, the new guy there doesn't do this procedure so I'd have to pick another cardiologist. Seemed strange to me.

They had a few names they could recomend and we agreed on the cardiologist who was the one on duty at JFK Medical Center in July of 2008 who first diagnosed my problem. This made the situation even stranger.
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On Tuesday, I was out earlier then usual. I had an appointment for blood work and I was using a local lab rather then the clinic lab at Robert Wood Johnson where I go for my heart work. This test was to check my PSA level. It was pretty high last month but the doctor and I agreed to do another check before going the biopsy route.

From there, I drove to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast then decided to check out the Metuchen Library. Some of the back streets in that area end at cross streets. At one of these, I noticed a guy waiting for a bus.

I turned right. There was a professional building just ahead - lawyers, I think - and I pulled into their lot, drove around the back, took off the splint and got ready. When I pulled back out, I turned left. The only other person around was the guy at the bus stop. I approached slowly. He stood there, looking down the block past me.

Point, press, Flash.

I continued on to Metuchen.

On my way there, I got another call from my cardiologist's. There's a couple of other tests that they'd like to have me take (an echocardiogram and a chest x-ray). We agreed to do them on Tuesday, November 6th. Why they didn't bring this up on Monday when we discussed the other test yesterday is beyond me. Strange.
__________________________________________________________________________________

It was raining this morning and chilly, so I took my time leaving. The day brightened up as it went on, and I stopped at some of the Woodbridge libraries. I'm reading this book that I find interesting and I thought I'd check to see if I could find something else by the author. No such luck. I drove home.

As I parked on my side street I looked across at my living room windows. It's a habit I've gotten into over the years. I look to see if my cat is there. She wasn't, but I noticed that the windows were open slightly.

I knew I hadn't left them that way. It had been too cold last night, and damp this morning.

Someone had been in there...Or still was.

I went into the building, using my key on the vestibule door, and tested the door knob to my apartment. The door was locked. I used my key, took a couple of deep breaths, and went in. The door opens into a hallway that leads to the living room (with the kitchen halfway down and to the left). I went down the hall.

There was Gordon sitting on the love seat in front of the windows.

"I was going to wave from the window, but I didn't want to attract any one else." He didn't get up.
"You scared the crap out of me...........what are you doing here?"

I sat down in my chair, trying to calm down.

"I'm sorry, Denny." He pushed himself forward a little, but still didn't rise. "I've gotten some strange readings on your whereabouts lately, and - frankly - I was worried."
"What?....Strange readings?....What are you talking about?"
"You know that I follow you in the same way that the DHS does, right? Well, I've placed you lately in some locations that I didn't recognize. I checked them out and found them to be medical facilities. You can, I trust, excuse me if I was concerned."

I hadn't thought about that.

"OK. Look. I had a problem with my wrist so I went to my primary. From there, it kinda escalated." I filled him in on what had been happening. He sat there listening, then nodded.

"I seem to have jumped to some unfounded conclusions." He grinned, but there was something underneath it. He moved forward again. "I'm glad to see that you're doing well, Denny."
"How are you doing, Gordon?" I had to ask.
He grinned again, and finally stood up. He shook his head.
"What's the expression?.......Don't let the bastards get you down?.....I'm trying, Denny, I'm trying."
"Look..I don't mean to be crass but you have to need the same meds that I do....you have to know that they're watching those. Are you getting them? ...."

He looked at me but didn't answer. He looked tired. He looked - literally - blue.
"I have to be going now." He turned towards the door. "Look out for yourself, Denny."
"Gordon........is there anything I can get you..anything I can do?"
"Thank you. Not for now. But you may be recieving a package within the next couple of weeks. I hope that you make the right decision with the contents."

He closed the door behind him.

I closed the windows, and stared out them for a long time. It crossed my mind that yesterday would have been John Lennon's 72nd birthday. And I realized that his last song fit this situation.

"Nobody told me there'd be days like this."

Where There's a Will...........

it rained this morning but I went out anyway. The day may be starting a bit dreary but I wasn't. My wrist was feeling better, though I was still wearing the splint. My blood work from Tuesday turned out to be on target so there was no need to alter any dosages. Best of all, I have no doctor's appointments for about a week and a half. I was feeling good, so I headed up towards the main library.

I don't have a printer at home (which I may have mentioned before) so I went to the library to print out my monthly checking account statement. I know I don't really need to do this since I can balance my account online, but I'm old-school that way (or anal retentive, whichever). I also picked up a couple of books from the sales table. I was headed up to the Pathmark in Avenel when my phone went off.

I pulled over to answer it, but it was only a prerecorded message from my pharmacy letting me know that a couple of prescriptions of mine were ready. As I sat there in my car I saw this guy walking up the block towards me.

I had the time.

I took off the splint and lowered the passenger side window. There was no one else around. He kept coming. I didn't think he even noticed me.

Point, press, Flash.

I put the splint back on, started the car, and continued on towards Pathmark.

The rain was letting up, but the parking lot seemed unusually empty. I drove around a bit first. I was buzzing from what just happened and I think, subconsciously, I was looking to stage another Event. It didn't take long.

this guy was out in the lot, emptying the garbage barrels.

I drove around behind him and stopped. I took off the splint again.This time, I lowered the driver's side window. I started up and came up so he'd be on my side, and slowed. He was wearing headphones so he never heard me coming.

Point, press, Flash.

I drove to the other side of the lot and parked. I put the splint back on and went into Pathmark. I had some stuff I needed to get.

On the way home I thought about what had happened. I'd told Doyle the other day that I wasn't sure I could do this. Looks like I was wrong.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Ordinary Time..................

Today is Sunday. I've mentioned before that I go to church on Sundays. Well, as often as I can. I find the rituals comforting... familiar. By following along, I can forget about what's really on my mind, at least for that short amount of time. Of course, it all comes back when I walk out through the doors but, sometimes, I get a new perspective on things. Not today.

Doyle was waiting by my car.

"Denny, how's it going?" He stuck out his hand and I shook it.
"Hey, Doyle. What brings you here today? Something new with Gordon?"
"Well, yeah, but that's not the whole reason. He's been staging Events almost every other day for about the last week and a half or so. Pretty much since you stopped, actually. But I'm really here to check up on you."
"Come on, Doyle..you're tracking me all the time. You know what's going on."
"We know where you've been and who you've seen. We even know what the doctors have said and what they've prescribed. What we don't know is how you're doing. you know, mentally. How're you handling all this?"
I looked at him for a bit, then down on the Carpal Tunnel Splint on my left wrist.

"It's still bothering me, but not as bad as before. I've got a prescription for steroids to reduce the inflammation, but I haven't taken any yet. I got some anti-biotics for a throat problem at the same time so the doc said to hold off on the steroids. I went back Thursday, and since it's better we'll hold off for 2 more weeks. One week, wearing the splint all day, the second with it on only in the afternoon. After that, I'll call her with my status and we'll go from there."

It was his turn to pause, nodding his head as he thought about it.

"I have to ask..is it bothering you enough to prevent you from staging any Events? I mean..the idea was for you to draw Gordon out but, like I said, once you stopped he started. It's like he wants you to be the active one....I don't know...I'm just askin'..you know?" He seemed uncomfortable.
"I know. I mean, I know what you're saying.......I tried. A couple of times. I can't control the Flasher with my left hand because of the splint.  From the car, I've been able to isolate potential Events on my right - the passenger side, you know - and can handle the Flasher with my right, but I'm having trouble controlling the car with my left. I'm just not sure, under the circumstances, that I'd be successful. And because of the splint, I feel that I'm more conspicuous on foot. So..I don't know what to tell you, Doyle. I'll try during the week, but I don't know that I'll get anywhere until I can take this off."

We both took some time to think about things. He nodded first, then grinned.

"OK. Don't worry about it, Denny. We'll wait for you to be comfortable with things again."
"Thanks, Doyle. 'I'll be back.'" I did my best Governator, and grinned back.
He laughed.
"Say, how did you make out with the other doctors?"
"well, I'm not happy with the dermatologist. He doesn't explain himself, just cuts things out and sends them for tests. I had to pester him for an answer. I don't think I'll be going back. The urologist was a nice guy..older. I had the prostate exam, which I wasn't looking forward to, and he said things were OK so we're gonna wait a couple of weeks and retake the PSA test. We'll see after that."
"You know, sometimes, I get so involved in what's going on..in the operation itself...that I forget that you're really just a civilian in all this."
"It;s OK, Doyle. Maybe I didn't know what I was getting into at first, and maybe it's spiralled way out of proportion to what it was supposed to be, but I'm in now. For better or worse."

It was my turn to grin first. He grinned back.

"OK, Denny. You take care of yourself....I mean that. I'll be in touch."

We shook hands, and he left.

I got in my car and drove off. I had breakfast again at Denny's and thought about what to do going forward. Maybe I'll signal Gordon and try to talk to him about what he's doing.

I bought some stuff to eat during the week, picked up the papers, and headed back home.

Nothing had really changed and yet I felt better about things. I felt that things were back to normal, at least as normal as they've been recently.

Back to ordinary time.