...A Hard Place...

I'm not a Luddite, but 'm not a Techno-nerd either. Still, I've had this laptop for almost 2 weeks, and there's still some stuff I can't figure out. I remember the first computer I bought, which was for my daughter, and it came with all kinds of manuals explaining how to do everything. That was comforting. This one came with a piece of paper, with illustrations, on how to set it up and get started. All the other Help features are - apparently - built in to the different programs. I have yet to figure them out.

One of the only applications I can access is my e-mails, and I've been pretty good at checking this daily, but there's one message that I haven't touched yet. The one from James, sent to me last Tuesday - the day after I met with Doyle and Givings. The day after they gave me this laptop. The day after I agreed to take the next step in the program. The day after I was given my first assigned target......Dr. Grace Forrest, a member of my Cardiology team.

I haven't opened it, because I'm scared to. By opening it, I take the first step towards staging the Event that will remove her, permanently. But I did agree to do this. I did agree to 3 new Events in 6 months. I knew they'd be giving me names, specifying targets. I didn't know that the first one would be someone I knew.

I haven't slept well, but I've finally decided to get on with it. The Cardiology team has been good to me, God knows. I wouldn't be here without them, literally. To target one of them seems like a betrayal. And yet...........

I remember that one day, lying in the hospital bed, my ex-wife in the room. There had been a lot of tests, and I recall this being a quiet day, with nothing scheduled. We were reading the papers, so it was a Sunday, I think. We were relaxed, comfortable...then Dr. Forrest came to the open door and said...

"We've done everything we can for you."

....and left before we could react. That really put a crimp in things!

The next day, she came back to explain that they would be putting me on the waiting list for a transplant, but the damage was done.

I can also remember that she'd had trouble trying to perform a couple of procedures on me, and having to get the main doctor to finish, and a couple of times doing biopsies on me which should've been through my neck. She couldn't get it, so wound up going through the groin - not a comfortable situation to be in.

Even now, if I were to meet her in the hallway, she passes by as if she doesn't know me. The only one on the team who doesn't even say hello.

This may all seem like nitpicking, but it's a way to goad me into going forward. Of all the people on the team, I owe her the least.

I think I'll be opening that e-mail tomorrow.