No More Chances............

Last night I couldn't help thinking about my conversation with Doyle. It came down to sticking with the plan. My part was to escalate Events, and his part was to trail me until Gordon made contact, then grab him. Sounds easy but it hasn't worked so far and I'm afraid I know why - I haven't really escalated anything.

I've relied completely on chance encounters. Sometimes I'd get a couple of Events in one day, but then days or week may go by until I had another. I decided to go back on the hunt, like I'd had in the early days.

I woke up early, and was out of the house at a little after 8. I decided to go up through Woodbridge then through Avenel. I had the windows open and the Flasher at the ready. After only a few minutes, I saw the man walking ahead of me.

I slowed a bit, checking the surrounding area. No one else around. I came up beside him.

Point, press, Flash.

In my rearview mirror, I saw him drop into the bushes on the side.

I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for a bagel and unsweetened iced tea, then drove towards Colonia. It was quiet here, too. Driving around for a while, I came across another guy while crossing over one of the streams that criss-cross this area.

We were alone out here. I passed him just as he reached the lower guard rail.

Point, press, Flash.

I didn't look back, but I'm pretty sure he went over the rail and down the slope to the stream. I headed for Iselin. It was getting on towards 9:30.

I drove through the streets here, slowly. An occasional car passed by, but I didn't come across anyone for about 1/2 hour. That's when I saw the PSE&G meter reader.

She was just off the corner, in the shadows of a back yard fence. She was the only one around back here.

Point, press, Flash.

I headed for Edison. It was starting to get hot out, so I was only going to stay at it until 11.

15 minutes later, I came across this guy who'd been out walking but now sought the shelter of some shade.

There was no one else around here, either on foot or driving. I pressed my luck, stopped, and went for the long shot.

Point, press, Flash.

He dropped to the side, and I headed home.

Tomorrow, I'd head down to Monmouth, still on the hunt.

Not relying on chance encounters anymore.

You Can Never Be Too Careful................

Doyle called. It's been close to 2 weeks since the last time we were supposed to meet, when he hadn't shown up. While I hadn't expected him to call right away, 2 weeks is a little long. I'm not complaining this time though. We've gone through a couple of heat waves, and I have to admit that the last one wore me down.

When I woke up last Thursday morning I felt light-headed and clammy. I remember having been dehydrated a couple of years ago. Back then, I was hospitalized for a night for observation. They keep telling you to drink plenty of water but, really, how much water can you drink? Especially when you aren't thirsty.

Anyway, thank God the heat wave broke that day.

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Doyle wanted to meet at 10:30 at a deli in Raritan Center. Unusual because it's a Sunday, but not a problem. Although it is late for me, on a Sunday.

I have a morning routine which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before. It's all timing. I have to take certain pills at certain times. Sunday's I have an extra pill that needs to be taken 1 hour before any others, and the directions say I can't lie down for an hour. I take it by 7, go to mass at 8, then take the other pills at 9. This gave me an hour and a half before the meet.

I had breakfast at Denny's. I wasn't gonna wait till I met Doyle before I could eat.

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After breakfast, I still had about 45 minutes before the meet. It was a nice morning, so I took the scenic route through Metuchen. Traffic was light and with the windows down, there was a cool breeze. It is a pretty residential area where you don't see many walkers. The closer you get to the town center, however, that changes. I came up behind this guy.

He was heading towards the cathedral along the street behind the rectory. I had the Flasher ready, as always, but wasn't gonna use it. I wasn't out looking for an Event. He caught my eye because I've always been amused by a guy who wears a belt and suspenders.

I drove back up through Edison, and got to the deli around 10:20. I actually come here often. I have lunch here about once a week with my daughter. There were only a few cars in the lot.  Today, of course, being Sunday, most of the businesses in the area were closed and the only workers around would be in the warehouses. And it was a bit early for the lunch crowd.

I went in and turned left into the dining area.  Only Doyle was here, sitting all the way in the back. (There's no table service - you buy you food at the counters to the right of the entrance - so nobody comes by to bother you once you sit down.)

"A red shirt? Really? All your white ones in the wash?"
Denny! How are ya" He grinned up at me. "No, they're at the cleaners...Sit down. You want anything?"
"No thanks. I ate already." Up close, he looked tired. I told him so.

"Yeah," he said, rubbing his face. "It's been a busy coupla weeks. Sorry I bailed on you last time."
"No problem. I got your message. The young guy said Gordon had hit in Freehold. Is that right? during that big storm?"
"Fraid so. He's the reason I didn't meet you that Monday. He hit in Matawan early that morning. And he's hit down in Ocean County and up in Union County since then."
"Really? How about that. Sounds like he's not as sick as you thought."
He nodded, and shrugged.

"Whatever. He seems to be concentrating here in New Jersey so we're pulling out of Delaware and Pennsylvania for now."
Oh? But you still can't track him, right?"
"Right. But the shrinks still believe he'll contact you, so we'll continue with the plan."
"You mean, I escalate and that draws him to me. When he does contact me, you grab him. That's the plan, right?"
He grinned, although a bit weakly. "Right."

His phone buzzed, and he glanced at it, then looked up at me.
"Also, I thought you should know that we've had to reduce the number of agents assigned to this. Mr. Jones insists we continue, but there are other demands on the Department's time."
"Like what?"
"Well, it is a Presidential election year, so we have to cover both sides. And we sent agents to Colorado to help out with the movie theater attack. And we're sending agents to London for the Olympics. We're stretched a bit thin, but so far every thing's covered."
I thought about all that for a minute or two.

"Hey, Doyle, look. I'm sorry. I never really gave it much thought, but you guys really do a lot."
His phone buzzed again. He stood up.
"We do what we have to do, Denny. You can't be too careful. I gotta go, so take it easy."
"You too, Doyle"
We shook hands, and he left.

As I went back to my car, I couldn't help but think of that guy with the belt and the suspenders and I laughed.

To me, that is being a little too careful.

Some Things I Just Don't Understand............

Doyle called. He asked me to meet him at 9:00 AM in the Menlo Park Mall, on the lower level just outside of Nordstrum's. There are some tables set up out there that should be empty that early in the morning. I didn't sleep well last night, so I left my house even earlier then usual, and took the long way to the mall. This took me down Main Street in Woodbridge. I hadn't gone this way in a while and I almost caused an accident when I pulled up short in front of "Sarge"'s house.

It looked empty. There was a realtor's sign out front.

I didn't really know the guy. But before I got the car - when I used to walk up to Woodbridge Center - I would pass by his house. He would always be sitting out there. On the porch in bad weather. At a table he'd dragged out from somewhere in good weather. Sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone. Sometimes with a beer, sometimes with a cup of coffee or tea.

Looks like he won't be sitting out there any more.

I thought of him as "Sarge" because he always had an American flag and a Marine Corps flag flying off the side of the porch. I thought of him as "Sarge" because he didn't seem like an officer. I thought of him as "Sarge". I would always snap off a salute as I passed by.

I think I still will.

Semper Fi, Sarge.

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I got to Menlo Park about 8:15 and decided to park in the back, under the deck, because it was closer to the place Doyle wanted to meet. As I walked towards the entrance, I noticed a young man sitting against one of the pillars.

I went inside, and found the tables empty. I thought that Doyle would've been here already.

Then there was a voice from behind me.
"Mr. O'Neill?"
I turned around, quickly. The young man that I'd seen outside was standing there holding out a folder with a DHS badge.
"Sorry about the change, sir. Special Agent Doyle sends his regrets but something has come up. My name is Cummings and I'm here to brief you on what has changed."

I looked at his credentials, but I couldn't find anything wrong with them.
"So...Cummings?...Why am I here? what did Doyle want to tell me?"
He put away his ID and took out a notebook. He flipped through some pages. He wasn't as young as I'd first thought.
"Special Agent Doyle wanted you to know that a Mr. Gordon created some sort of Event in Freehold on Saturday night."
"Saturday night? Wasn't that when they got hit by that terrible storm?"
he looked at his notebook, flipping back and forth between pages.
"I don't have anything to suggest that. I was only told to tell you that Mr. Gordon was still active, and that you should keep an eye out."

"OK...So where is Doyle now? Why isn't he here?"
"I don't know, sir. All I know is that something came up and, apparently, I was the the only agent close enough to make the meeting."
I looked at him for a minute or two, I could only shake my head.
"Thanks, Cummings. Let Doyle know that I got the message and that I expect to hear from him soon."
I stuck out my hand and, after some hesitation, he shook it.

I walked away.

There are some things that I just don't understand.

What the Chinese Do......................

What I refer to as my "dosage dance" is over for now. I went back for blood work on Wednesday the 13th, and my tach level had jumped to 10 which is a little high for me. I usually 'live' in the 7 to 8 range. Unsurprisingly, they lowered my dose by a little and I had to go back for more blood work on Thursday the 21st. That time, I was back at 7.8 so we'd leave it alone and scheduled my next visit for September. Now for the second part of the "dance".

I get my prescriptions filled by the Pharmacy at the local WalMart (Mr. Kim is excellent - in case anyone in the area is looking for a Pharmacist) and the cost is covered through Medicare and the New Jersey Pharmacy Assistance program - bureaucracies that you need to be aware of when you're in a position like mine. That Thursday night, I called in for a refill of my Prograf prescription, which is the brand name for my tach medication. Knowing what to expect, I stopped by the Pharmacy on Friday morning to make sure that they had the correct dosage. They did not. Mr. Kim and I discussed this and both of us wound up calling my doctor's office during the day. On Monday, I picked up the refill at the correct dosage. "Dance" over, for now.

Throughout all of this, I've still been thinking about Gordon and his situation. While I may find going back and forth for blood tests and having to follow up on prescription changes  to be very aggravating, at least I know that I'm being monitored - taken care of. He doesn't have that.

This has been bothering me, and it's not as if I can go to Doyle or his people and talk about it. They just want him stopped, and they don't care how.

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Yesterday, we started in on our 2nd heat wave of the summer. This one looks like it'll last several days longer then the last one. I had a problem during one in the first year after the transplant. I got severely dehydrated and was hospitalized briefly. When these happen now, I make sure I have plenty of water on hand. It dawned on me that this is a problem that I can do something about. Gordon and his situation is not. That's when I remembered some advice I'd gotten years ago.

When faced with a situation that you have no control over, do what the Chinese do when it rains - let it rain. You can't do anything about it. It's gonna rain and all the cursing and swearing won't stop it. Just let it happen, and concentrate on what you can do something about.

I'll try not to worry about Gordon anymore and just worry about me.

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This morning, though only Day 2 of the Heat Wave, seemed a bit cooler. It wasn't going to last. I went out early to get things done before the real heat came in. I drove up into Avenel, intending to have breakfast somewhere up there, but changed my mind. I cut through the parking lot of a landscaping business, driving around the back to get to the road that would take me to Metuchen. In the shade behind the building was a young man who'd obviously come out for a smoke.

In this heat, my windows were down already. I drove past slowly, and he glanced briefly in my direction. No one else was around.

Point, press, Flash.

I drove on towards Metuchen. My plan was to have breakfast at the Friendly's there then stop at the library.

There are several mini-malls on the way to Metuchen. Many of the older ones are neighborhood-friendly and blend in well, with off street parking surrounded by trees. On a whim, I drove into one and stopped for the paper. I parked in the shade on the side of the building. On my way back to my car, I saw an older man who was just getting into his.

I had the Flasher with me, but my back was to the stores and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I got in my car and drove off.

I got to Metuchen around 9:15, knowing that the library would not open until 10. I decided to park behind the library anyway, since the block was shaded, and parking there was for 2 hours. I walked towards the Friendly's which was several blocks away. On a side street, I came across a guy working on a fence.

This time, I could see that there was no one else around, and there were no cars going by. I came up to him just as he'd opened the door to his truck and bent into the front seat.

Point, press, Flash.

I kept walking towards Friendly's.

Afterwards, I walked back to the library, following a different set of streets, but found nothing of interest in the sale books.

I got back in my car, and headed for home. I turned on the radio.

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" came on.

Arc 8

Message in a.................................

I went for blood work on June 1st to make sure my cholesterol was back in control. I got the call late in the day that my cholesterol and triglyceride levels were fine, but my tac level had dropped to 4.5. That's the level that measures the amount of anti-rejection drugs in my system and should be somewhere around a 7. They had me raise me dosage slightly and go back on June 8th for a follow up.

I did that. My level dropped to 3.7. Not a good thing. They raised my dosage significantly and I will be going back on Wednesday for more blood work.

Now, I can't help thinking about my last conversation with Doyle. He told me that they are pretty sure that Gordon hasn't been able to renew the prescriptions for his anti-rejection meds. It's probable that his levels have dropped to zero, and he's at risk for rejection.

I'm at 3.7, but I have doctors, nurses, technicians, and a pharmacy backing me up. Gordon is out there alone.

I've never met him, at least as far as I know, although he's made himself known to me in the past. All I know about him is what Doyle and others from the DHS have told me. They tell me that he hasn't been active lately and that they think he's here in New Jersey, building up his strength, and that he'll eventually try to contact me. I can't help hoping that he will. After all, we have a lot in common.

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I'm at loose ends right now. I've got 2 days before the next blood test, and I don't feel like doing anything productive. But I always make sure that I have something that gets me up, dressed, and out - food shopping, the laundry, something. I was out this morning around 8:30.

I ran a few errands - ShopRite, the Post Office, etc - and found myself in Dunkin' Donuts around 9:30. Over breakfast, I decided to drive to Unique in South Plainfield.

(In addition to my "book shopping" in various libraries, I've taken to shopping at several thrift stores in Monmouth and Middlesex Counties. I've picked up shirts and jeans for myself, and even did some Christmas shopping over the last two years. Also, I like to check out the wall of caps they have. I have a collection of my own, but for a couple of bucks I can always get another if it appeals to me.)

I got there about 10:15. Every Mondays, they have a 25% off sale on everything in the place. I browsed casually through the men's racks and worked my way over to the cap wall.

I really didn't need one, but they are cheap and there is an additional 25% off. After about 15 minutes, I found one made of denim. It was adjustable and fit well, and it looked good, but it had the Polo logo on it and I didn't use the product. But there was something inside that got me to buy it. ($5.00 less 25% made it $3.75.) I paid and went back to my car.

I guess he is still out there following me (or leading me?).

I got the message. I'll wear the cap for the next few weeks.

Maybe he'll get mine.

I Shoulda Thoughta That..................

Last night, the phone rang. Not my phone, THE phone. Doyle wanted to meet this morning. And in a new place.

I may have mentioned before that I go to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast - a lot. Especially this time of year, when they have their iced tea on sale. Any size for a buck. You can't beat that. The closest one to me is on St. George's Avenue, between Main and Green Streets, in Woodbridge proper. It's a 15 minute walk from my place. I used to go there a lot before I got my car. Not so much now.

Doyle wanted to meet at 9:30. I got to the small strip mall where the Dunkin' Donut shop was located very early, about 8:45, so I sat inside and had a chocolate chip muffin with my iced tea. At 9:15, I walked out of the store and turned left.

There's a park right next to the strip mall. Bernie Anderson Park. (It's not really much of a park. More of a narrow strip of grass alongside a road that runs between St. George and School Street.) Doyle wanted to meet in the park's gazebo.

It was cool there, in the gazebo, in the shade. I sat there with my iced tea, and waited for Doyle. It didn't take him long. He came walking up from the School Street side.

"Hey, Denny! How're ya doing? Told ya I'd be in touch more often." He came in smiling, wearing jeans, sneakers, and a golf shirt and carrying a cup of coffee from a deli on Main Street.
"Hi, Doyle. No suit today?"
"Nah. Decided I needed a break. Been pretty busy lately." He sat down and stretched out his legs. "Nice here. Remind me to thank Craig for finding this place."

We sat in the quiet for a while. Enjoying the stillness.

"OK. So, Doyle, why the meet? And why out in the open like this? Do you have something new on Gordon?"
"Not really. There hasn't been any sign of him for weeks. We're not sure why, but...let me ask you a few questions."
"Why? I don't know anything about Gordon."
"I know. Just humor me."
"Fine. What do you want to know?"
He paused, sipped his coffee, then nodded to himself.

"You take a lot of different pills for your heart, right? I mean,.. you know,.. since the transplant."
"Yeah. So?"
"Bear with me. What do you take?"
"You want the names?"
"No. Just what they're for."
"OK. I take something to control cholesterol.."
"Right. They switched you to a different one last month but you had ..call it a bad reaction, so they switched you back."

I looked at him.

"you don't miss a thing, do you?"
"We can't afford to. Now go on."
"Alright. I also take a couple of different pills at different times of the day to control blood pressure.."
"And you take these because?"
"As I understand it, when they took out my damaged heart, they severed the nerves. They didn't reattach them when they put in the new one. Because of that, I'll never feel it if I have a heart attack. I take these meds to reduce the risk."
Got it. Makes sense. But there are other ...meds...that you take that are even more important, aren't there?"
"Sure. The anti-rejections meds. I'm on a pretty low dose, but there are 2 different meds that I take. Each of them, twice a day, probably for the rest of my life."
Anti-rejection you said, right? So you take them to prevent your body from rejecting the new heart."
"Right. The meds are really immuno-suppressants. They suppress my immune system so that it doesn't attack the new heart. I believe every transplant patient has to take them, regardless of the replaced organ."

He was looking off into the distance during this part of the conversation. Now he nodded, and looked right at me.
"These are prescribed by your doctor, and supplied by your pharmacist, right? How does that work?"
"Really? well, the prescriptions are only valid for a couple of refills before they have to be renewed. And I do have regularly scheduled blood tests to see if the dosage on any of them needs to be changed."
"Why do they do that? Wouldn't the dosage stay the same?"
"No. There's a level that needs to be maintained. Too high and my other organs could be damaged, too low and my risk for rejection increases....Why the sudden interest in my health, Doyle?"
He smiled. "Sorry, Denny. It's not your health we're interested in. It's Gordon's. Remember, he's a transplant recipient too. And, we're pretty sure he hasn't been able to refill his anti-reject scrips for quite some time."

Now it was my turn to pause.

"You think that the reason he seems to have stopped has something to do with his no longer having his medications?"
"Some of the medical staff do. I'm not so sure. Anyway, he doesn't seem to be operating outside of New Jersey anymore. It's still our thinking that he's keeping tabs on you, and will eventually get in contact. If he is facing some kind of rejection situation, that may be sooner then later."
"What if....."
"What if.. what, Den?"
"What if he's dead already?" I said it.
"No. Not Gordon. He won't go out without some sort of gesture. All of the shrinks agree on that." He stood, shook his coffee cup to see if there was any left but threw it out anyway. "So do I."

I stood up too. We shook hands.

"Gotta go, Denny. Keep in touch and enjoy the weather."

He walked back towards School Street. I stayed there a while longer.

Sometimes, I Forget............

This cleaning-up-the-apartment thing I've been doing is coming to the end of it's 3rd week. I'm pretty much finished with the living room, and have started on my bedroom. (Actually, I'm done with the Living Room cleanup-wise, but I decided to hang some pictures on the wall behind the couch and I haven't found what I want for back there yet.)

Three weeks may seem like a lot of time for approximately 1 1/2 rooms but I'm taking my time. My routine has been to start as soon as I get up, and do one specific section at a time. I still had stuff in boxes from when I moved in, and had piled stuff on top of that over the last 15 years or so. I've been pretty brutal with some of the top stuff - throwing out what I figured I hadn't worn or used since the operation 3 1/2 years ago. It's the older stuff that causes me problems.

The older things have memories attached.

Memories can be tricky. We remember things the way we want them to be, which may not always be the case.

The older boxes held pictures, cards, and things from the old house and my old job. Memories of my daughter when she was young. My father when he was alive. Good memories.

And bad memories.

You can't get away from the bad memories. You can suppress them - forget them - but eventually something you come across brings them back. Dealing with them isn't easy but it has to be done. You have to accept them as they are, put them to rest, and move on.

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This morning was slightly cloudy but the day would be turning sunny. I decided not to do any cleaning and instead would head out to a couple of places that carry poster board copies of famous artists' works. I figured on getting some cheap prints for the living room. I needed gas, and would need cash. I used the ATM at the TD Bank across from ShopRite, and took the back way towards the cheap gas station I use. I passed by Pelzman Park which is tucked away in a back corner of Avenel. I saw the man just standing there, alone.

I had the Flasher out, and the passenger side window rolled down. There was no one else around. I slowed, and got closer. Then..

I passed him by. He was out in the open. Too open. It didn't seem sensible. I drove on.

After filling up, I headed back through Avenel towards St. George's Avenue. I figured on stopping at Dunkin Donuts for some breakfast to go, then heading towards the stores. Passing through one of the apartment complexes, I noticed someone walking up ahead.

Again, I was ready with the Flasher.

Again, I passed by. I just wasn't feeling it.

Before I got to Dunkin Donuts, I pulled into the PathMark parking lot. I wanted a copy of today's paper and some lottery tickets. I parked, then noticed that there was a woman sitting in the car a couple of spaces away.

 I went inside.

As I headed back to my car, I noticed that the woman was still in her car. I went to my passenger side, and opened that door. Now I was partly shielded. I looked around. No one was around, and the sun was starting to break through. I took the chance and turned.

Point, press, Flash.

I got in to my car, started the engine, and drove away.

After stopping in Dunkin Donuts, I hit the A. C. Moore's store in Linden without success. It was still early, so I drove down Route 1 to the Michael's outlet in North Brunswick. I found a reproduction of Van Gogh's "The Mulberry Tree" which I thought would look good on my wall. I headed home.

Near the Edison/Woodbridge border I fell in behind a school bus. Since it was only around 10:30, I figured there wouldn't be any kids on board so I wouldn't be making any unexpected stops.

Well, there weren't any stops, but he was driving slowly and there was no way to get around him. And it took him a while to get going after a stop light. On Chain of Hills Road, he crossed over into the oncoming lane whenever he took a curve. My guess was that he was distracted. Probably on a cell phone.

Finally, we approached the light at St. George's and there was now an extra lane for turns. He went to the left, and I went right.

 I couldn't see the driver, but there was something I could do. A quick look around. No one there.

Point, press, Flash.

I aimed at the bus itself. I'd forgotten that the Flasher would drain the power out of a motor vehicle. I moved on. He didn't.

Sometimes, it pays to remember.